Civility Prevails Over Exposing Children to Ongoing Hostilities
by Michael Heath
Too much cannot be written about the negative impact that outward conflict between parents has on their children. This can include arguing, insulting, belittling, threatening, or even behavior that appears less hostile but is just as damaging (using the silent treatment, sulking, or outright lack of cooperation). Using bad conduct as a weapon to hurt or affect the other parent affects all family members.
Go Beyond What the Court Says
A judge may order a visitation schedule but administering it successfully is the parents’ responsibility. Agree on both time and place for pick-ups and drop-offs. Be punctual. Give the other parent fair warning if plans need to change. Communicate—even if just by text message— to avoid surprises. If someone else is picking up the children, convey that. A civil, free flow of information shows respect. Such deferential treatment is likely to result in greater cooperation.
Agree to treat each other politely when at the children’s events, then follow through on the pact. No one must expect a hug fest. There may be some justified, underlying animosity toward an ex. It just needs to be remembered that parents acting badly stresses out the children. Arguing at a sporting event or graduation ruins those occasions for both the fighting parents and especially the kids. The two ex-spouses can agree to put any hostilities on the back burner while with the children. No one should be accusatory. A simple, “We both need to make a point to be civil to each other when we are with little Jack and Karen; they like it better when we are,” is all that’s required.
Set an Example
Children learn from their parents how to behave. When couples split up after a high-conflict marriage it can be easy to carry on with the discord once the divorce is finalized. Agreeing to do the best things for the sake of the children is not just a right step in the healing journey but shows the younger ones that their parents are good behavioral role models.