A Smarter Way to End a Marriage … But Not Easier

Courtless Divorce Is Not an Approach That Encourages Ending a Marriage

by Michael Heath

Divorce is never easy and should not be. Committing to a lifetime together through the institution of marriage is a big deal. Choosing a life partner is likely the most important decision a person ever makes. A good marriage enhances all that life has to offer while having additional economic and societal benefits. When couples dissolve the marital union, a tragedy occurs. Certainly, in cases where there is domestic violence or the danger of one spouse absconding with the children there is no question that the marriage must end. In many cases spouses have grown so far apart there really is nothing to save. There is good news, though. According to John M. Gottman, who wrote the landmark book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, there are proven ways couples can improve their relationship.  

Friendship Is the Key

Gottman notes that the happiest marriages are based on a deep friendship. This may seem obvious since most spouses refer to their other half as a best friend. If that really is the case, then the marriage is a strong one. In the past, it was thought that many marriages were failing due to a lack of communication or that people were simply “not listening.” Although there is often truth to spouses not hearing what their partners are trying to convey, Gottman uses data culminated from years of studying married couples to teach how to communicate. Communication really is a skill that can be fine-tuned and applied to a marital union. Knowing the right way to speak and listen enables couples to strengthen that friendship so that the marriage is not only more stable but a happier one as well.

Marriage Has Value

The apparent prevalence of divorce may allow some in a problematic marriage to conclude that ending it is simply the best option. Spouses should think hard about what they have invested in the union. How much time have they been together? Is there a home, children, and extended family? Couples can often stay in a bad marriage for the wrong reasons. Studies show that  a peaceful divorce is better for the children than remaining in a marital union fraught with conflict. But many marriages not only can be saved but become much improved if given the right tools. Seeking professional counseling often makes more sense than allowing a marriage to fall away.

Why Courtless Divorce?

Mediation and collaborative divorce are often better approaches to ending a marriage than traditional divorce litigation because they are less expensive, less time consuming, more private, allow spouses to remain in control and conclude more amicably. No matter the method, divorce comes with numerous difficulties. Many people who suffer divorce find themselves set back for years both financially and emotionally. For most couples, working on the marriage instead of the divorce should be the easier option.