It Takes Two to Dance the Divorce Mediation Tango

Convincing a Spouse to Mediate

by Michael Heath

A marriage may need to end but how it is brought to dissolution can affect both spouses for years to come. Traditional divorce is the typical go-to for most couples but is expensive, takes a lot of time, and is innately antagonistic. One alternative approach is courtless mediation (also called private or voluntary mediation) where the couple sits with a neutral third party to work through the issues prior to filing for divorce. One spouse may be sold on this approach while the other is not. The advantages of employing mediation make it important for most divorcing couples to know more about it.

Mediation v. Litigation

Mediation is a solutions-based approach where spouses negotiate for themselves while a mediator provides guidance and creative suggestions. The purpose of the three-way meetings is to work toward a divorce agreement. Once an agreement is reached, it is then submitted to the court along with other requisite paperwork. This contrasts with traditional litigated divorce where both spouses hire lawyers to represent them. A case is filed, and a judge is assigned. Attorneys fight over positions and if an agreement is not reached, the case could end up in court.

Benefits of Mediation

Several key advantages to mediation make it appealing:

• Economy – instead of retaining two matrimonial attorneys, one mediator is hired. The discovery process in mediation is much less formal than traditional divorce, leading to cost savings. Experts brought into the three-way meetings are shared by the couple instead of each spouse having their own.
• Brevity – the formality of the discovery process and legal maneuvering of traditional divorce often make for a protracted process. Mediation is a much more streamlined approach.
• Privacy – mediation sessions are normally held in an office while a litigated divorce could end up in the public arena of county court.
• Civility – working together toward solutions that satisfy both sides brings a more amicable dynamic as compared to litigation which is inherently hostile.
• Control – the couple oversees their own divorce rather than passing decision-making to lawyers they hardly know.

 How to Persuade a Spouse to End the Marriage Through Mediation

One reason that a partner may be reluctant to use mediation is simply that they only have a fuzzy idea of what it is. They may have heard of court-mandated mediation but not realize that the breakup can be mediated before hiring lawyers and heading to court. This should be explained, and the benefits given as reasons to consider the avoidance of litigating. It is important to pick the right spots. Phases of conflict are never opportune times to bring up the idea of employing mediation. Seeing a mediator together or suggesting the partner meet the mediator independently can bring greater understanding to the process.

The internet is replete with information about divorce mediation. The book The Courtless Divorce is broken up into easy-to-read chapters that a spouse can read at their leisure. When a couple decides to use mediation to end their marriage successfully, they allow themselves to waltz into a better future.