Abuse in an Unhappy Marriage

Ill Treatment that Precludes the Use of Divorce Mediation

by Michael Heath

When we hear of domestic violence what often first comes to mind is a wife with a blackened eye or battered body. Physical abuse by a male spouse of a female spouse is sadly too common, but domestic violence spreads its tentacles in varying forms and dimensions. Female-to-male abuse exists, nor are same-sex couples immune to the violent, dark side of marriage.

Mediation Has No Place Where Violence Is in the Marital Mix

A spouse who experiences violent altercations should never consider mediation or collaborative law methods to end the marriage. Contacting the authorities and hiring a litigator are both recommended.

Physical abuse may be easy to detect, but emotional abuse leaves hidden scars and lasting effects. Violence and abuse wear many disguises. Both should be recognized for what they are in order to protect both spouses.

• Physical Violence – beating or otherwise harming to inflict pain
• Emotional Violence – verbal or written statements used to belittle or otherwise harm a person
• Psychological Violence – using threats to induce fear for the purpose of gaining control
• Spiritual Violence – using someone’s religious beliefs for the purpose of manipulation or domination
• Cultural Violence – using a person’s cultural customs as a way to harm or humiliate them
• Sexual violence – forcing another person into sexual activity
• Financial Abuse – controlling a person by withholding or misusing monetary resources
• Neglect – withholding care or assistance to a person in need

Here we see that violence and abuse are more than punches and kicks. Repeated statements that a person is fat, stupid, or does not earn enough money can wear away one’s self-esteem to the point of submissiveness or worse. An invalid or disabled spouse who is never wheeled outside to enjoy sunshine is a form of neglect. Treating a spouse as a domestic worker or sex slave is clearly abuse.

Is Mediation or Collaborative Law an Option?

The advantages of using mediation or collaborative law to end a marriage are often attractive. The lower legal costs and emotional toll, along with other considerations like avoiding a public court, are just two reasons why so many couples choose these methods. If someone is considering ending a marriage but experiencing any of the bullet points above, he/she needs to examine the circumstances while weighing his/her options. A wife who often complains about a husband’s haircuts, or a husband who bought a snowmobile without consulting his wife may be annoying but likely does not preclude the couple from using an alternative to divorce litigation. However, threats, physical violence, or other escalated forms of abuse like extreme financial irregularities clearly disqualify using an alternative method.